Some brief thoughts about resilience.

For me resilience has been a combonation of internal strength and just enough outside support.

In my experience resilience is like a powerful river within me that is fed by two tributaries. One source comes from the heat of my life force deep inside me, and the other from the conscious remembering and feeling of who I truly am including my abilities and strengths. The former is something that has existed in me from the beginning. As a child whom endured trauma at an early age, I had the innate ability to hold myself together and endure despite what was lacking. I did this unconsciously and this carried forward in my life as I grew and became an adult. Also, there were just enough small gestures of support from outside myself, like when my uncle sent me a small hand held army locker type box with some fun gifts inside. On the the lid it said:

Name: Matthew

Rank: Jr Hulk

Serial No: 007

This was a tiny gesture, yet when I look back I can understand and feel how that little boy felt seen by this. My name was acknowledged, and as a kid with much suppressed anger and incredible inner strength, who identified with The Hulk, being given the moniker of Jr Hulk was affirming. I didn’t know much about James Bond, but I knew the name 007 and that it was somehow cool and special, and that made me cool and special. This kind of being perceived and also thought-of, is something that I am convinced helped me through those difficult times.

As I grew into an adult, seeing and acknowledging my goodness and strentghs and worth was something I had to work at. As is common with trauma survivors, my self-esteem and self-image tended to be negative. I was fortunate to have some very formative experiences in my teenage years that truly reflected the beauty of myself back to me, where I got to experience real acceptance and joy for the first time. This big piece of external reflection was huge because it was something tangible that I could draw from when I my own internal image was negative.

As the years passed on, and I went to therapy, I learned to see these beautiful aspects of myself the way others did. As I separated out the traumatic experiences from who I am, it allowed me to slowly integrate a positive self-image, both mentally and somatically. Now when difficult situations arise, my internal fire and my mental conception of myself are aligned and I can weather the storms as I remember all I am capable of. It’s always an ongoing process for those of us with complex trauma, and the journey continues.